Soundbites: My Phone's Loose Butt-hole

Soundbites:  Observations about the world in roughly 300 words.

It happens all the time.  My iPhone has a loose butt-hole.  The lightning pin, plug-in—hands down the worst innovation in the history of Apple Computer—never stays in the hole in the bottom of the phone.  When I hang my gadget from the dash of my car and roll over a manhole cover sitting 1/8 of an inch above the pavement’s surface, the iPhone cord drops out of its butt-hole in the middle of Bob Schneider’s “Party at the Neighbors.”  When I charge my phone overnight a soft breeze created by the whispers of tiny cobbler elves brushes across the cord’s base, and I wake up the next morning to a phone holding a 15% charge.  Sometimes, when I hermetically seal my phone in a Chicago bank vault and surround it with a complex array of laser sensors, my phone will charge.  But as far as day-to-day living goes…? Forget it.

I’m currently one of those hold-outs, somehow getting through life with a measly i6.  Given that the new models now use the “loose butt-hole” to connect the headphones, upgrading is a move I dread.  One iPhone model ago, when I’d had all I could muster with my i5’s equally weakened sphincter, I was determined to switch to Android.  I caved of course.  My music catalogue, my interface with my iPad, the convenience of familiarity, the stories of people going through a long learning curve from Apple to Android…?  I didn’t want to hassle with any of that.

So I got another iPhone, and I’m fighting another wobbly butt-hole.  I was a high school freshman when Apple introduced its Macintosh computer using that epic Big Brother, Super Bowl ad.  Who knew that once Apple walked the length of its digital red carpet and seated itself upon the Great Silicone Throne, it would wield its power with the same engineering indifference as its predecessor?  From a performance perspective, Apple’s “upgrades” may not be as aggravating as Microsoft’s famous “improvement” from Windows 95 to 98, but if we can’t even keep our phones powered up, what difference does performance make?

Wheeler proudly teaches AP Language to some bright and lovably obnoxious kids in a small college town. He also contributes to the craft beer website Indiana on Tap and writes for ISU's STATE Magazine. He started learning to play guitar last fall, but he remains terrible at it.

Featured Image Credits:  "A closeup of the iPhone 5/5S lightning port and headphone hole" by Kelvinsong is permitted under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported license.